Marriage

[allsortsoflicorice]

from The Friday Five

1. Do you want to get married?

No. Been there, done that. 

2. Where would you like to get married?

If I had to get married I would like it to be either in a forest glade or Wells Cathedral.

3. If you were getting married in a week, who would be in your wedding party?

My sons, my sisters, my brothers-in-law, my mother

4. What would your wedding colours be?

This is a bit like asking what my favourite colours are. For the record they're green and brown. But there would be no wedding colours, no colour theme. It would be come as you are. 

5. Does marriage mean to you 'til death do us part?'

Good question. Since I'm divorced, obviously not. Historically marriage has hardly ever meant till death us do part; it's more often meant, 'till your husband decides he no longer wants you, but still wants to keep your property'. I'm not a big fan of marriage as an institution, and would never encourage my kids to get married - though I am all in favour of people throwing a huge party to celebrate their love. That's a great idea. 

Comments

[0152062874]

Did you find the relationships that you fostered from raising your children to be ultimately more fulfilling than having a partner? Do you feel like you would’ve still been okay without any of them?

I don’t mean this in an argumentive way. As someone who struggles to see any potential for satisfaction in life without starting a family, but simultaneously cannot find many examples of women having familes without getting abandoned, your attitude about this is fascinating to me.

You sound fulfilled. What made that happen for you?

[allsortsoflicorice]

I'm that classic person who really didn't want kids, accidentally got pregnant (was already married)and discovered I loved being a mother. I loved it much more than being a wife. Their dad was the one who pushed hard for us to get married and was very excited about becoming a dad, but when reality hit, he discovered (again, a classic situation) that he didn't like his needs coming second to those of his kids.

We didn't split until the kids were old enough to do things like their own laundry and letting themselves into the house after school. I don't know how I would have coped as a single mother of small children. I am in awe of women who do it all on their own. I never thought of myself as a 'single mother', although from the time the younger one was 11, that's what I was. Looking after them, managing the household and continuing with my career was all so much, much easier once I was in sole charge and didn't have to constantly consult some other person with a different personal agenda (i.e., their dad) before making any decisions.

I think it's very important for children to know both their parents and to feel as much love and respect as possible for both their mum and their dad. Kids want to feel proud of their parents. So I have worked really, really hard to ensure they have a good relationship with their father and see the best in him. He has a lot of good qualities. He just wasn't a good husband.

The only reason I don't regret all the time I wasted on my marriage is that I got these two amazing kids out of it. Family, friends, work, hobbies - I would never again put a man before any of those things.

I hope that answers your question!

[0152062874]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. What you described is not as lonely as I expected, but it sounds incredibly difficult. I think the decision to encourage your kids to have a positive image of their father is not one that most people in your position would have been inclined to make, but it likely does benefit them in the long run.

[findyourvoice]

A forest wedding sounds like it would be beautiful

[purglepurglepurgle]

I confess, I'm always nosey when you post about your life! I find it funny how the questions read like they're extremely invested in trying to change your mind.